So it is no secret to those close to me that I have been struggling lately. As a Christian wife and mother; business owner and all around person...I am struggling. I say often to my husband, 'I am not okay...and I do not know how to be okay.'
Now, before we get any farther...blogging has always been for me...anyone can read it...but it is for myself, please understand this before following along with me any farther.
Life just doesn't seem to have the same purpose it once did...friends have back away, family think we are crazy (or backsliden) and have backed away. The people that we would expect to have supported us no matter what are the ones that have hurt the most. We do not ask or require much, but, love our kids...love us.
We are committed to serving God wherever He puts us. In the newly wed state we were able to help with the youth ministry in our first church, one that my Handsome attended when he was a young boy! A short time later he was able to be interim pastor in a small little church for a few months in between pastors. After that time was over we went back to helping in the our first church, until we received the call for Handsome to consider being associate pastor at a church about 80 miles away. This would require a move...though he would continue working in our current town so he drove 80 miles one way 4-5 days a week PLUS had his pastoral duties to fulfill. We appreciate the opportunity that God gave us to be used in this time. It was during this time that we also realized I wasn't going to be able to carry pregnancies to full term and that adoption was difficult and expensive!!! It was here, also, that I realized I had Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. A terrible thing that has happened to me that is responsible for my difficulty to become pregnant, to stay pregnant and to maintain a healthy weight.
Anyway, while we were in this little church was when I started to see that just because a person was a Christian didn't mean they could be trusted, nor did it mean that they would really keep their word! It really started to take my desire to serve away. But my heart was still fixed on Jesus, it just didn't always want to serve among other people. I saw lies and manipulation like I had never known. Small town girl was raised by parents to love on others and give the benefit of the doubt. This wasn't always wise to be doing, as I was learning!
After 3 years and 3 miscarriages we were asked to move again...this time 5 hours farther West and to an unpaid position of service in a local church that was struggling. My Handsome was able to find an electrical job in the new town...and we purchased land in a nearby city to build our home. We lived in the basement of the church for a time while the house was being built. During this time a Christian man was building our home and the church had asked their pastor to leave and asked my husband to be the pastor. Unfortunately was answered yes too quickly before really giving it proper time of prayer. He was officially the pastor of the church, in some areas this was a blessing. We had the parsonage to live in (the Christian businessman had taken us for A LOT of money in building of our home, messed it up in several ways and we were forced to sell it rather than live in it because we couldn't afford it with all of the mix ups!) However, in taking this pastorate we also lost a donation that was going to come our way to pay for our eldest daughters adoption. The full $27,000 that was raised for it was denied to us because of my husband accepting a call to a pulpit! It was heartbreaking to see this happening. Three months later we received our first foster placement, a boy whom was very ill and six days old. We would go on to adopt him and he is ours...we are so blessed to be his parents...but more about him later.
Turns out not even two years later we were given 30 days to vacate the parsonage in the middle of one of the coldest winters on the books and with Christmas just 3 weeks away. We had two young kids and did not know what we were going to do! A bright spot came, a Christian businessman in town and his wife had a house for sale, it was in need of repair...but they were willing to allow us to move into it before all the paperwork came through! My husband worked his regular job during the day and then would go to the 'new house' all night to get it ready to move into before our 30 days was up. It was a very trying time for our family...the kids missed their daddy...daddy wasn't getting any sleep, or very little when he did!!!
In the end of this trial we had a home, a newfound friend but were without a church and most of any other friends we had made in town.
At this point in the story I am going to pause and write more in part 2!
My husband tells me that we are to find something to be thankful for in every day...so I will end my sorrowful posts with something to be thankful for....I am thankful for the fact that I was raised by a father who was hard working and encouraged me to work hard but also to love other people and be honest!
We never knew when we started our journey together on August 10th, 2002 that it was going to be so difficult. Not in the 'normal' ways. My husband and myself are very committed to each other and have no thoughts of wanting to be anything but married to eachother! Where the struggle comes in is where you would least expect it. From the beginning of our marriage ministry was very important to us both....but it was an easy way to spend time away from eachother 'for a good reason' and before we knew it much of our time was spent apart or together...with many other people around. Don't get me wrong, serving God alongside my Handsome is one of my favorite things to do! But it also is something that Satan has used as an easy tool to drive us apart emotionally as well.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
So here I am again....
PCOS is a terrible TERRIBLE theif. It steals so much from my life. I have decided to take my life back in the only way that has been successful in the past....the Ideal Protein Diet. I did it in 2010 and lost 48 lbs, felt great, got pregnant and gave birth to a HEALTHY full term baby girl in 2011.
Fast forward 5 years, 2 more miscarriages and my PCOS has taken over my eating, my weight, my health and my cycles (or lack thereof)....which has caused me to be put on 3 different meds and feeling terrible and struggling with depression (not extreme, but some.)
I started what I am calling MyIdeal2015 yesterday, August 3rd. I had 64.5 lbs from my initial weigh in to my goal, but my real goal is gaining my life back, being able to love on my kids more and (prayerfully) getting and staying pregnant with another healthy full term baby! I will check in every week after my weigh in (either Monday evening or Tuesday) as my journal to keep me accountable.
My only complaint so far is of the headache, lack of energy and terrible taste of olive oil. Perks, my home scale already moved...no heartburn....and I slept well last night!!!
See you next week!
Fast forward 5 years, 2 more miscarriages and my PCOS has taken over my eating, my weight, my health and my cycles (or lack thereof)....which has caused me to be put on 3 different meds and feeling terrible and struggling with depression (not extreme, but some.)
I started what I am calling MyIdeal2015 yesterday, August 3rd. I had 64.5 lbs from my initial weigh in to my goal, but my real goal is gaining my life back, being able to love on my kids more and (prayerfully) getting and staying pregnant with another healthy full term baby! I will check in every week after my weigh in (either Monday evening or Tuesday) as my journal to keep me accountable.
My only complaint so far is of the headache, lack of energy and terrible taste of olive oil. Perks, my home scale already moved...no heartburn....and I slept well last night!!!
See you next week!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Tricky Dirty Wrong+
First let me apologize for the 4 year hiatus on this space!!! We had our healthy happy stubborn baby girl on March 19 2011 and then 5 months and 5 days later brought our 4th child home from the Lonestar State at 10 days old!!! Needless to say the last 4 years have been a little crazy. We have also continued to have foster children in our home...so for the last 3 years we have consistently had 6 children in our home!!!
I am coming her today to talk about something that is greatly troubling me today. SATAN! He is so tricky and his tricks sometimes are just downright dirty. You make a decision according to what you believe God would want you to do but this lion sure tries to make you question your decision and at time make you think you made the wrong one.
I have always struggled with graphic, nasty dreams. Dreams that are recurring for sometimes years at a time and they are always bold, vivid and happening on a regular basis. I can think of several that I am so thankful that through prayer with my Handsome have went away. Snake dreams come and go and when I say snake dreams I'm not meaning snakes of normal size and nature...but snakes that take over the world and eat the people you love the most, in horrifying detail.
But for the last little while I have struggle with a dream that hits me right in a personal insecurity. It is a dream I do not really wish to share, in fact only one of my daycare moms knows what it is and no one else. But there are times that it comes and goes, but Satan has used a godly conversation with a friend and turned my insecurity of this situation into an awful and heartbreaking recurring dream.
It affects the way I think about certain situations, it causes me to over analyse things, it causes me to live in fear.....and deep down I believe the lie he wants me to believe isn't true. I pray it never becomes true....but still I wrestle.
The worst part about it is that I really do not have a close person that I can tell everything to. So I am here...writing my thoughts, my fears, my heartbreak....on this site. Not exactly the most friendly 'welcome back' post ever....but an honest one for sure.
I am coming her today to talk about something that is greatly troubling me today. SATAN! He is so tricky and his tricks sometimes are just downright dirty. You make a decision according to what you believe God would want you to do but this lion sure tries to make you question your decision and at time make you think you made the wrong one.
I have always struggled with graphic, nasty dreams. Dreams that are recurring for sometimes years at a time and they are always bold, vivid and happening on a regular basis. I can think of several that I am so thankful that through prayer with my Handsome have went away. Snake dreams come and go and when I say snake dreams I'm not meaning snakes of normal size and nature...but snakes that take over the world and eat the people you love the most, in horrifying detail.
But for the last little while I have struggle with a dream that hits me right in a personal insecurity. It is a dream I do not really wish to share, in fact only one of my daycare moms knows what it is and no one else. But there are times that it comes and goes, but Satan has used a godly conversation with a friend and turned my insecurity of this situation into an awful and heartbreaking recurring dream.
It affects the way I think about certain situations, it causes me to over analyse things, it causes me to live in fear.....and deep down I believe the lie he wants me to believe isn't true. I pray it never becomes true....but still I wrestle.
The worst part about it is that I really do not have a close person that I can tell everything to. So I am here...writing my thoughts, my fears, my heartbreak....on this site. Not exactly the most friendly 'welcome back' post ever....but an honest one for sure.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A quote and my thoughts
"One woman will brag about her children, while another complains about hers; they could probably swap children without swapping tunes"
I found this quote (without author noted) and it really hit home to me. I have always tried very hard not to sound like a mother complaining about my children. Have I failed, YES, but I try each day to be ONLY thankful for my children and where we are. Do I complain about other things, more than I should...but why would I complain about one of the top three most amazing gifts God has blessed me with?
I know many women who have very little good to say about being a mother, or sharing the experience with their spouse. Is being a mother hard, YES! It is probably one of the most difficult hats I have to wear. But it is amazing, and I find it amazing how God has pieced our family together in His most perfect way! Now I know I have complained of situations before, but what do you hear fairly new mothers complain about out of the gates?
"I am so tired, this child wakes up for nightly feedings and I cannot sleep." I always found the night time feedings a blessing. The house is quiet, the lights are dim, and there are no distractions and absolutely nothing else for me to be doing but feeding that precious baby. I find this true of all my babies, even our foster babies, I have never minded getting up for that precious bonding time no matter what the hour.
"Changing diapers is for the birds, those blow outs are the worst." Here, I do tend to say that it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world to do...but having two children that struggled to go 'stinky' more than once a week as little ones I was always relieved when they would go...no matter how the outcome showed itself. Pleasant, no, but you had to know this was bound to happen when you started thinking about having children.
These are just a couple of things that I hear often even at baby showers when the blissful expectant mother is 'getting advise' from the already 'experienced' parents. It makes me sad that such things have to be brought into that precious happiness that expecting your first baby brings!
Now I am getting to experience a new level of parenthood. Both of my children to this point are adopted, because I was 'pre-menopausal' (however you spell it) and would not have any children after our 4th miscarriage. God prooved Himself to be still in the miracle business when in August of 2010 we discovered we were expecting! As I sit here now we are at 29 weeks and still doing well! You hear many women with a vast number of complaints about pregnancy. Here is another place I try very hard not to complain...this is a blessing, I know MANY people that would do almost anything to be in the state I am in right now. They wouldn't be caring about how much the scale has changed in 7 months or that they waddle everywhere they walk or they are not sleeping all the way through the night or that they cannot fit into 'normal' clothing or how uncomfortable they are or all the other things you often hear from pregnant women. Here again, I have tried very hard to not complain...have I failed, most likely, but my desire is to be thankful for this pregnancy that God has blessed me with. It has been exciting to get to experience the amazingness of a baby growing inside of my womb and feeling the kicks, and while my pregnancy hasn't been a bed of roses, even that has been somewhat exciting. We have had something like 7 ultrasounds since 6 weeks, 5 days and our last being just two weeks ago. I get to have at least one more before she is born too!
So going back to that quote, what kind of a mother do you want to be. If I were to constantly complain about my children, now that they are 4 years old, they would be hearing that and what would that do to them? Not only that, but what does it do to the people you are complaining to? Do they have children of their own? Do they not? Are they having trouble having children and are sitting there thinking 'lady if only you knew how much I would love to take your children off your hands and love on them' because of what they have been through? Our words strike farther than we think sometimes, and when dealing with such a precious gift as children we need to watch what we say....not only for ourselves, but for our children and people around us!
I found this quote (without author noted) and it really hit home to me. I have always tried very hard not to sound like a mother complaining about my children. Have I failed, YES, but I try each day to be ONLY thankful for my children and where we are. Do I complain about other things, more than I should...but why would I complain about one of the top three most amazing gifts God has blessed me with?
I know many women who have very little good to say about being a mother, or sharing the experience with their spouse. Is being a mother hard, YES! It is probably one of the most difficult hats I have to wear. But it is amazing, and I find it amazing how God has pieced our family together in His most perfect way! Now I know I have complained of situations before, but what do you hear fairly new mothers complain about out of the gates?
"I am so tired, this child wakes up for nightly feedings and I cannot sleep." I always found the night time feedings a blessing. The house is quiet, the lights are dim, and there are no distractions and absolutely nothing else for me to be doing but feeding that precious baby. I find this true of all my babies, even our foster babies, I have never minded getting up for that precious bonding time no matter what the hour.
"Changing diapers is for the birds, those blow outs are the worst." Here, I do tend to say that it isn't the most pleasant thing in the world to do...but having two children that struggled to go 'stinky' more than once a week as little ones I was always relieved when they would go...no matter how the outcome showed itself. Pleasant, no, but you had to know this was bound to happen when you started thinking about having children.
These are just a couple of things that I hear often even at baby showers when the blissful expectant mother is 'getting advise' from the already 'experienced' parents. It makes me sad that such things have to be brought into that precious happiness that expecting your first baby brings!
Now I am getting to experience a new level of parenthood. Both of my children to this point are adopted, because I was 'pre-menopausal' (however you spell it) and would not have any children after our 4th miscarriage. God prooved Himself to be still in the miracle business when in August of 2010 we discovered we were expecting! As I sit here now we are at 29 weeks and still doing well! You hear many women with a vast number of complaints about pregnancy. Here is another place I try very hard not to complain...this is a blessing, I know MANY people that would do almost anything to be in the state I am in right now. They wouldn't be caring about how much the scale has changed in 7 months or that they waddle everywhere they walk or they are not sleeping all the way through the night or that they cannot fit into 'normal' clothing or how uncomfortable they are or all the other things you often hear from pregnant women. Here again, I have tried very hard to not complain...have I failed, most likely, but my desire is to be thankful for this pregnancy that God has blessed me with. It has been exciting to get to experience the amazingness of a baby growing inside of my womb and feeling the kicks, and while my pregnancy hasn't been a bed of roses, even that has been somewhat exciting. We have had something like 7 ultrasounds since 6 weeks, 5 days and our last being just two weeks ago. I get to have at least one more before she is born too!
So going back to that quote, what kind of a mother do you want to be. If I were to constantly complain about my children, now that they are 4 years old, they would be hearing that and what would that do to them? Not only that, but what does it do to the people you are complaining to? Do they have children of their own? Do they not? Are they having trouble having children and are sitting there thinking 'lady if only you knew how much I would love to take your children off your hands and love on them' because of what they have been through? Our words strike farther than we think sometimes, and when dealing with such a precious gift as children we need to watch what we say....not only for ourselves, but for our children and people around us!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Countdown!
But just as big as the half way point is the fact that in 7 {SEVEN} days we will have are big ultrasound and hopefully will know if we should plan pink or blue! This seems like it might really happen! We are thankful and trusting God!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
A blessing!
We had our second ultrasound today! Two weeks ago Grasshopper measured 6 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 128. That put our due date at April 5th 2011! Today I went in nervous, with our history it just doesn't seem possible that we MIGHT have a great pregnancy with a full term healthy baby...but the doctor today said (while anything can happen) she didn't see any reason to worry at this point!
Grasshopper measured 8 weeks and 5 days today with a heartbeat of 180! What a blessing it was! I was able to hear the heartbeat and see Grasshoppers' little heart beating on the screen by way of a small little flicker!
I am slightly more excited now but they are going to have me come in for another ultrasound in 2 weeks just to check things out again! I am so excited, at that point I should be just shy of 11 weeks...that is almost all the way through my first trimester! Definately uncharted territory for us here! Praise the Lord!
Grasshopper measured 8 weeks and 5 days today with a heartbeat of 180! What a blessing it was! I was able to hear the heartbeat and see Grasshoppers' little heart beating on the screen by way of a small little flicker!
I am slightly more excited now but they are going to have me come in for another ultrasound in 2 weeks just to check things out again! I am so excited, at that point I should be just shy of 11 weeks...that is almost all the way through my first trimester! Definately uncharted territory for us here! Praise the Lord!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Please forgive me...
So I know everyone says I need to be excited, and I am! Do you not think that a couple who wanted to have a large family who finds out through 4 miscarriages that we no longer have a shot at having natural children because I am no longer ovulating even with fertility helps then 4+ years later finds herself pregnant is excited at the possibility of having a baby? Do you really not think we are excited?
But here is the thing, we HAVE had 4 miscarriages. We HAVE had no positive end to a pregnancy in the past. I HAVE been haveing sypmtoms, but that doesn't mean that it is just going to be OKAY!
Please forgive me for not jumping up and down, please forgive me if you do not think I am putting enough faith in God, please forgive me if you think I worry too much, please forgive me if you think I am being lazy, please forgive me if you think I am not counting my blessing.
Do you know how difficult it is to answer the question, "how many children do you have?" with the number 2 (before knowing of this pregnancy.) I want to scream from the rooftops that I have 6 children, just because the other four never lived a second on this earth doesn't mean they were not my children. But other people do not get that. I am greatful and blessed beyond all measure with the two beatufiul children I do have...and if God thought they were all we needed than I would be okay with that. But our hearts tell us different. We are still actively persuing adoption, and we have a baby that is 8 weeks and 1 day growing inside of me. We have passed the point of pregnancy of three of our four miscarriages and things are looking pretty good...but we are still early on.
So if you choose to talk with me, please remember that we have history. Please don't just assume because I am healthier now than ever that everything is going to be okay...please know the best thing to do is to pray. I am scared, and worried, and nervous that the ultrasound tomorrow is going to look the same as the one 2 weeks ago and show that my baby is not growing. I look toward the positive as much as possible, but at the end of the day the best I can do is, "this one is a fighter, we are going to be okay." I tell myself that often, and pray it to be true. But really, my heart will not stop the hurt until around 7 months from now I am holding my healthy happy baby in my arms.
Please forgive me...
But here is the thing, we HAVE had 4 miscarriages. We HAVE had no positive end to a pregnancy in the past. I HAVE been haveing sypmtoms, but that doesn't mean that it is just going to be OKAY!
Please forgive me for not jumping up and down, please forgive me if you do not think I am putting enough faith in God, please forgive me if you think I worry too much, please forgive me if you think I am being lazy, please forgive me if you think I am not counting my blessing.
Do you know how difficult it is to answer the question, "how many children do you have?" with the number 2 (before knowing of this pregnancy.) I want to scream from the rooftops that I have 6 children, just because the other four never lived a second on this earth doesn't mean they were not my children. But other people do not get that. I am greatful and blessed beyond all measure with the two beatufiul children I do have...and if God thought they were all we needed than I would be okay with that. But our hearts tell us different. We are still actively persuing adoption, and we have a baby that is 8 weeks and 1 day growing inside of me. We have passed the point of pregnancy of three of our four miscarriages and things are looking pretty good...but we are still early on.
So if you choose to talk with me, please remember that we have history. Please don't just assume because I am healthier now than ever that everything is going to be okay...please know the best thing to do is to pray. I am scared, and worried, and nervous that the ultrasound tomorrow is going to look the same as the one 2 weeks ago and show that my baby is not growing. I look toward the positive as much as possible, but at the end of the day the best I can do is, "this one is a fighter, we are going to be okay." I tell myself that often, and pray it to be true. But really, my heart will not stop the hurt until around 7 months from now I am holding my healthy happy baby in my arms.
Please forgive me...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
~~~Encore Children's Boutique~~~
You must go HERE! I have launched an online children's boutique I am calling ENCORE and we now have one client and 36 items posted with many more to come in the days/weeks ahead! Please go and shop and Encore for newborn through 6 at this point! If you need a place to consign your new or gently used children's clothing please feel free to post a comment and leave a way to contact you so that we can set it up! I look forward to doing business with you!
Friday, June 18, 2010
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