Please forgive me...

So I know everyone says I need to be excited, and I am!  Do you not think that a couple who wanted to have a large family who finds out through 4 miscarriages that we no longer have a shot at having natural children because I am no longer ovulating even with fertility helps then 4+ years later finds herself pregnant is excited at the possibility of having a baby?  Do you really not think we are excited? 

But here is the thing, we HAVE had 4 miscarriages.  We HAVE had no positive end to a pregnancy in the past.  I HAVE been haveing sypmtoms, but that doesn't mean that it is just going to be OKAY! 

Please forgive me for not jumping up and down, please forgive me if you do not think I am putting enough faith in God, please forgive me if you think I worry too much, please forgive me if you think I am being lazy, please forgive me if you think I am not counting my blessing.

Do you know how difficult it is to answer the question, "how many children do you have?" with the number 2 (before knowing of this pregnancy.)  I want to scream from the rooftops that I have 6 children, just because the other four never lived a second on this earth doesn't mean they were not my children.  But other people do not get that.  I am greatful and blessed beyond all measure with the two beatufiul children I do have...and if God thought they were all we needed than I would be okay with that.  But our hearts tell us different.  We are still actively persuing adoption, and we have a baby that is 8 weeks and 1 day growing inside of me.  We have passed the point of pregnancy of three of our four miscarriages and things are looking pretty good...but we are still early on. 

So if you choose to talk with me, please remember that we have history.  Please don't just assume because I am healthier now than ever that everything is going to be okay...please know the best thing to do is to pray.  I am scared, and worried, and nervous that the ultrasound tomorrow is going to look the same as the one 2 weeks ago and show that my baby is not growing.  I look toward the positive as much as possible, but at the end of the day the best I can do is, "this one is a fighter, we are going to be okay."  I tell myself that often, and pray it to be true.  But really, my heart will not stop the hurt until around 7 months from now I am holding my healthy happy baby in my arms. 

Please forgive me...