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Friday, February 5, 2016

Fading Away

So it is no secret to those close to me that I have been struggling lately.  As a Christian wife and mother; business owner and all around person...I am struggling.  I say often to my husband, 'I am not okay...and I do not know how to be okay.' 

Now, before we get any farther...blogging has always been for me...anyone can read it...but it is for myself, please understand this before following along with me any farther. 

Life just doesn't seem to have the same purpose it once did...friends have back away, family think we are crazy (or backsliden) and have backed away.  The people that we would expect to have supported us no matter what are the ones that have hurt the most.  We do not ask or require much, but, love our kids...love us. 

We are committed to serving God wherever He puts us.  In the newly wed state we were able to help with the youth ministry in our first church, one that my Handsome attended when he was a young boy!  A short time later he was able to be interim pastor in a small little church for a few months in between pastors.  After that time was over we went back to helping in the our first church, until we received the call for Handsome to consider being associate pastor at a church about 80 miles away.  This would require a move...though he would continue working in our current town so he drove 80 miles one way 4-5 days a week PLUS had his pastoral duties to fulfill.  We appreciate the opportunity that God gave us to be used in this time.  It was during this time that we also realized I wasn't going to be able to carry pregnancies to full term and that adoption was difficult and expensive!!!  It was here, also, that I realized I had Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome.  A terrible thing that has happened to me that is responsible for my difficulty to become pregnant, to stay pregnant and to maintain a healthy weight. 

Anyway, while we were in this little church was when I started to see that just because a person was a Christian didn't mean they could be trusted, nor did it mean that they would really keep their word!  It really started to take my desire to serve away.  But my heart was still fixed on Jesus, it just didn't always want to serve among other people.  I saw lies and manipulation like I had never known.  Small town girl was raised by parents to love on others and give the benefit of the doubt.  This wasn't always wise to be doing, as I was learning! 

After 3 years and 3 miscarriages we were asked to move again...this time 5 hours farther West and to an unpaid position of service in a local church that was struggling.  My Handsome was able to find an electrical job in the new town...and we purchased land in a nearby city to build our home.  We lived in the basement of the church for a time while the house was being built.  During this time a Christian man was building our home and the church had asked their pastor to leave and asked my husband to be the pastor.  Unfortunately was answered yes too quickly before really giving it proper time of prayer.  He was officially the pastor of the church, in some areas this was a blessing.  We had the parsonage to live in (the Christian businessman had taken us for A LOT of money in building of our home, messed it up in several ways and we were forced to sell it rather than live in it because we couldn't afford it with all of the mix ups!)  However, in taking this pastorate  we also lost a donation that was going to come our way to pay for our eldest daughters adoption.  The full $27,000 that was raised for it was denied to us because of my husband accepting a call to a pulpit!  It was heartbreaking to see this happening.  Three months later we received our first foster placement, a boy whom was very ill and six days old.  We would go on to adopt him and he is ours...we are so blessed to be his parents...but more about him later.

Turns out not even two years later we were given 30 days to vacate the parsonage in the middle of one of the coldest winters on the books and with Christmas just 3 weeks away.  We had two young kids and did not know what we were going to do!  A bright spot came, a Christian businessman in town and his wife had a house for sale, it was in need of repair...but they were willing to allow us to move into it before all the paperwork came through!  My husband worked his regular job during the day and then would go to the 'new house' all night to get it ready to move into before our 30 days was up.  It was a very trying time for our family...the kids missed their daddy...daddy wasn't getting any sleep, or very little when he did!!! 

In the end of this trial we had a home, a newfound friend but were without a church and most of any other friends we had made in town. 

At this point in the story I am going to pause and write more in part 2!

My husband tells me that we are to find something to be thankful for in every day...so I will end my sorrowful posts with something to be thankful for....I am thankful for the fact that I was raised by a father who was hard working and encouraged me to work hard but also to love other people and be honest!

We never knew when we started our journey together on August 10th, 2002 that it was going to be so difficult.  Not in the 'normal' ways.  My husband and myself are very committed to each other and have no thoughts of wanting to be anything but married to eachother!  Where the struggle comes in is where you would least expect it.  From the beginning of our marriage ministry was very important to us both....but it was an easy way to spend time away from eachother 'for a good reason' and before we knew it much of our time was spent apart or together...with many other people around.  Don't get me wrong, serving God alongside my Handsome is one of my favorite things to do!  But it also is something that Satan has used as an easy tool to drive us apart emotionally as well.